I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
