there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
