my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
