While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
