Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just gargled with NyQuil
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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