I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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