shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
