Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
