I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
