I am puke
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
