You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
