Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
