i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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