Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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