dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
