I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
