You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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