when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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