Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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