I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
