if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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