wake up i wanna do it froggy style
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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