So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
