FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
