my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
