i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
