Got a toothbrush?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
