dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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