apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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