well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
