It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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