i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize