spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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