I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
