Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
