is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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