Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
