break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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