Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
