using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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