I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Mom said you looked used
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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