I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
