My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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