I hate all girls vehemently.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
