Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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