Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
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