i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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