i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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