I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
