I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
