Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
