While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
