when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
