I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
