you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
