dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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