i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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