Your face is a jimmy john
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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