I faked an abortion last night.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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