just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He better not be in your backpack
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
